Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
