its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize