i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
