you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
