Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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