Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
