Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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