Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
