That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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