If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She even gives head with a lisp.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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