five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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