Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm bleeding and have questions
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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