is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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