you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
