1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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