The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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