I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
