You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
