I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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