she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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