Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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