I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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