You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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