2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
