What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
