Buhtt sex?
I met the friendliest cop last night
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
