I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
