I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
