i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
