So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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