Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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