i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
