I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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