he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
