3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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