Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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