got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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