I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Your dad touched me again.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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