she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
