The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Text me some of your sweat
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
