Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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