She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
