he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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