I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
