The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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