i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
