You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
