Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Randomize
