I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You can't special order awesome
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
