Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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