im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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