if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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