kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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