talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
