Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
