she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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