What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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