Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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